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For the Writer's out there
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| Allie |
Posted on 12/06/2012 18:59:16
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Wanker
Posts: 818
Joined: 23.10.11
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Sooo I was kinda feeling really depressed the other day about something so I thought I would try to write a poem. It isn't one that rhymes its just a poem that I came up with and I made this forum for ppl who like to write and maybe want to put it out there to get opinions on it and what not.
So as I said I wrote this yesterday I may add more to it just need time to think about it.
Into Oblivion
The vast cold darkness
Slowly seeps into me
Making me feel nothing
pushing me into oblivion
Edited by Allie on 12/06/2012 18:59:58
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| weeshuggy |
Posted on 12/06/2012 20:16:20
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Wanker
Posts: 785
Joined: 23.06.11
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This is just my opinion......
Although what you have written is ok, i feel its still to short to really say anything. Expand those feelings, whats pushed you into oblivion ??
this darkness is important maybe involve through out the poem.
also poems dont need rhyme. a poem is a piece of writing composed to convey your idea, experiences or emotions in a vivid and imaginitve way usually through the use of metaphor, simile etc.......
poem are often written with a certain intensity or beauty.
In your case you might want to look at he intensity rather than the beauty, that isnt to say you cant convey a certain beauty in the darkesy situation, however, if your going to go down that route really think about it other wise in my opinion if its poorly written it will often desteoy a good poem. |
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| RazNinjaMike |
Posted on 12/06/2012 22:03:10
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Moderator
Posts: 4586
Joined: 20.11.10
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Allie wrote:
Sooo I was kinda feeling really depressed the other day about something so I thought I would try to write a poem. It isn't one that rhymes its just a poem that I came up with and I made this forum for ppl who like to write and maybe want to put it out there to get opinions on it and what not.
So as I said I wrote this yesterday I may add more to it just need time to think about it.
Into Oblivion
The vast cold darkness
Slowly seeps into me
Making me feel nothing
pushing me into oblivion
interesting poem. Sound like you need to take up kick boxing, ANd kick someone butt 
rhyming poem! lol................
Then out came the coat
that had sleeve made from goat
age old chin hair
this kept me fair
mood for days to come
though i don't recommend this to some.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm XD |
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| ninja |
Posted on 12/07/2012 12:05:57
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Super Admin
Posts: 4174
Joined: 15.11.10
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After reading, I feel myself wishing it had been developed further, perhaps using some different imagery to build on the theme.
As a fragment, at least, it's fairly well written. I'd love to see you add something to it, though.
My brain is open.
- Paul Erdős |
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| Allie |
Posted on 12/07/2012 20:39:13
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Wanker
Posts: 818
Joined: 23.10.11
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Thanks guys for all the great advice I'll definitely work on it. I just need to think some more on it and try to incorporate more.
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| Link |
Posted on 12/07/2012 21:53:14
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 2519
Joined: 20.09.12
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I like it Allie! Very dark, in a poetic way. Usually when Im sad, I play video games-which always cheers me up
I WILL BREAK YOUR POTS AND STEAL YOUR RUPEES
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| Allie |
Posted on 12/07/2012 22:31:16
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Wanker
Posts: 818
Joined: 23.10.11
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Ok here i worked on it some more.
Black as night and silent as death
It can come so unexpectedly
It steals away the light
And slowly sucks out the happiness.
I try to fight it the best I can
But my blows seem to help it only spread
I can feel it becoming one with me
there are no tears, just sadness.
This vast cold darkness is called depression
And it slowly seeps it's way into me
Making me feel nothing
Pushing me into oblivion
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| Allie |
Posted on 12/07/2012 22:33:16
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Wanker
Posts: 818
Joined: 23.10.11
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Thanks Link
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| Link |
Posted on 12/08/2012 01:21:36
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 2519
Joined: 20.09.12
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Ahh, I like the 2nd part! That one was the best part in my opinion
I WILL BREAK YOUR POTS AND STEAL YOUR RUPEES
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| Allie |
Posted on 12/08/2012 04:30:03
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Wanker
Posts: 818
Joined: 23.10.11
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Thanks i was really thinking hard on it since i had so much free time at work lol
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| NorT |
Posted on 12/10/2012 20:40:54
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Junior Member
Posts: 30
Joined: 29.10.12
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Did you know...
Ive been standing here...
All alone
embracing my fear
and i cant stop it turning
i cant stop it breaking
i cant stop it turning me
Into you.
The ropes tied tight
the windows sealed shut
you cant understand
the wretch in my gut
emotion breaking thin
my heart on the wall
my mind is caving in
and life is about to fall
take it from me
this is your own falasy
life is what you make it
and today you broke it down
so all i gotta say to you
Did you know...
Ive been standing here...
All alone
embracing my fear
and i cant stop it turning
i cant stop it breaking
i cant stop it turning me
Into you.
Thats a part of a song i wrote ages ago ...incoroprate that into it you want. |
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| SpartanJaz |
Posted on 12/11/2012 06:53:21
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Junior Member
Posts: 34
Joined: 13.08.12
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Allie, needs to progress more smoothly.
I'll see if I can give an example tomorrow. Not meant to be on PC atm. xD |
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| Allie |
Posted on 12/22/2012 19:09:01
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Wanker
Posts: 818
Joined: 23.10.11
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Wow thats really good NorT!!  Jaz i would love some extra opinions so post when you can
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| The Hat of Love |
Posted on 12/23/2012 10:35:27
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 9035
Joined: 31.07.11
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Here's one my friend wrote.
There was a young man from Oman
Who had lots of rabbits on a farm
Myxomatosis spread
Their eyes turned red
And they dropped dead one by one.
my signature broke, here is a fox snek:
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| MRBILL |
Posted on 12/23/2012 10:54:25
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Junior Member
Posts: 43
Joined: 23.10.12
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Good job Allie, i like it. Hey, while we're at it, if you guys want to write, you wanna do my 5 paragraph essays for me?
Hi person below me! |
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| SpartanJaz |
Posted on 12/23/2012 11:00:10
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Junior Member
Posts: 34
Joined: 13.08.12
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MRBILL wrote:
Good job Allie, i like it. Hey, while we're at it, if you guys want to write, you wanna do my 5 paragraph essays for me?
Darn, you just reminded me. I have about 10 of those to write for my exams in a fortnight's time! |
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