Hey everyone, i came here because i thought i could get some help with a project. I am currently writing a story for the Georgia Young Writers Contest, so i need to know how my story looks, good, bad, comments, suggestions. thanks guys.
P.S: Please don't give me to much info, it would be cheating, i just need to know what you think, o and this is just part of the story, ill post the rest as i write it.
Looking for You
It was Saturday, a warm summer night. There was no sound from anywhere except the breeze blowing against the trees. I was sitting on the grass looking at the city with its bright lights, waiting to blind me and take me away. I was alone, or at least I thought I was.
I heard something behind me, so I quickly got up and turned around, it was Zoe, standing right in front of me; she had beautiful aquamarine blue eyes, her straight dark brown hair. I don’t know why but I get a feeling in me every time I see her. “Hey Zoe, what’s up?” I asked, but without an answer, she started running back into the woods. I quickly ran after her, what was wrong, what could it be? I started calling her, but she just kept running. Finally, I caught up with her and grabbed her shoulder, I turned her around so I was just a pair of inches away from her face, smooth, so beautiful, I would love to caress it, but I can’t, not right now, but I know someday I will. “Zoe, what’s wrong? Why did you run away?” I asked. She started to cry, tears running down her face. I felt a pang of guilt to see Zoe like this, like if it where my fault that she’s so sad, I didn’t want to see Zoe hurt. “I’m sorry Jake, I’m so sorry” she said while wiping her face. “What do you mean you’re sorry?”, “I was at home today, I was thinking about what you said to me last week, when you told me I could trust you because no matter what, you would be here for me” she said. “Yes and?” I said, “Well, there is something I need to tell you.”
We sat down on a big rock next to a pond; I sat down next to Zoe, at first we were quiet but then she leaned her head on my shoulder and said “Jake, when I first met you what did you think about me?”, “Well, honestly, I thought and still think you’re the smartest and prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.” She didn’t know what I felt towards her, but sooner or later, she had to find out. “Oh, thank you, that’s so sweet”, “So what’s happening is that I’m really having some problems with my family, I got in a fight with my sister and that’s why I was so upset; she said I was the worst sister ever, but she made me feel like it, that’s why I asked you what you thought about me.” She said, “Don’t worry, everything will be alright, but why did you run away from me back there?” I said. “When I found you, I thought you would say I was a terrible person, I just didn’t think about it.”
The next day, while my mom was at work, I decided I was going to go to my friend Bills house. Bill was always that type of kid that can always make you laugh, but when the time comes, he’s very serious. He’s 14 like me, and we know each other since 1st grade. I still remember the good times we had, and we still do. So I grabbed my bike and headed to his house. On the way there, I saw something weird, there was a man in a truck, he was passing by when he stopped and looked in all directions, and then, he got off and sprinted towards the backyard of a house on the block. Whatever he was up to, it was no good.
When I got to Bill’s house, I knocked on the door and waited for someone to open, but time passed and no sign of life anywhere in the house. I went to the back door and knocked but I didn’t see anyone either. It was strange, Bill usually didn’t go out on Sundays, and I guess he had to do something important. So I walked back to my bike and got on, then I peddled my way back home.
Back at my house, I sat on the couch and turned on the TV. My stomach was growling so I went into the kitchen and grabbed some snacks. I went back but suddenly the phone rang. I answered and was surprised to see that it was Bill. “Hey Jake, how are you?” he asked, “I’m good, what about you?” “To tell you the truth, I woke up this morning so sick my parents had to take me to the hospital, it was just a fever, but I felt so bad.” He said. “No wonder you weren’t at home.” I said. “So how’s Zoe, I haven’t heard from her lately. Did you tell her?” he asked. Bill and I would tell each other everything, so he knew that I liked Zoe. “No man, yesterday I saw her, she was so upset. I don’t even think I have the guts to tell her.” I said. “You can do it Jake, don’t worry. Anyways, I have to go now, see you tomorrow at school!”
Edited by Ronald on 02/07/2012 19:46:49
NEVA GONNA GIVE YOU UP! NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN! - FROM DRK TO RON
The Sharp toothed zombie
Brains, the sharp toothed zombie(zombie), had a verysharp tooth! And if you ever saw him, you better turn the hell around and run! All of the other zombies, wouldn’t let poor Brains play any zombie games. Then one foggy Christmas eve, santa came to say “oh brains, with your tooth so sharp, wont you eat my wife tonight. And all of the zombiesloved him and shouted out with glee.
Driving through the snow-
Driving through the snow, in a one turret hog, shooting noobs all the way hahhaha. Making spent cartridges ring! Oh jingle bells and shotgun shells, running over noobs all the way. Blasting through the snow, in a one turret hog, pwning noobs all the way hahaha
I got a big blue star for posting. i must be special
Posts: 1723 Joined: 16.11.10
Interesting I wonder what that guy was up to. There's a couple of sentences that are awkward that you should probably consider revising. Other then that, its pretty good!
Thanks everyone, and happy bd luna
NEVA GONNA GIVE YOU UP! NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN! - FROM DRK TO RON
The Sharp toothed zombie
Brains, the sharp toothed zombie(zombie), had a verysharp tooth! And if you ever saw him, you better turn the hell around and run! All of the other zombies, wouldn’t let poor Brains play any zombie games. Then one foggy Christmas eve, santa came to say “oh brains, with your tooth so sharp, wont you eat my wife tonight. And all of the zombiesloved him and shouted out with glee.
Driving through the snow-
Driving through the snow, in a one turret hog, shooting noobs all the way hahhaha. Making spent cartridges ring! Oh jingle bells and shotgun shells, running over noobs all the way. Blasting through the snow, in a one turret hog, pwning noobs all the way hahaha
I wonder what that guy was up to. There's a couple of sentences that are awkward that you should probably consider revising. Other then that, its pretty good!
